Appearances are everything. If life should teach us anything it's that people are never what they seem. Picking up from the Joe Berlinger quote from my last post, the director also stated, "people better earn your trust before you give it to them." A warm smile and a non-threatening disposition should not be enough to win you over.
Take the London pickpockets caught on a Thai tourists's selfie camera a few weeks ago.
The London Twatpack
Not gonna lie, before watching the video I was expecting the criminals to be male and not look like Hot Topic models heading to lunch in Mayfair, but as it turns out the thieving "my-stomach-hurts-so-I'm-looking-for-a-purse-to-snatch" twatpack are women who probably run with gangs in Tottenham.
How you market yourself and the persona you sell to others determines how successful you will be in exploiting, manipulating and deceiving those you come across, and getting away with it. Trickery is thus a tool mastered by the most depraved of people, as it is the very instrument of Satan himself. Even if they do ultimately draw suspicion to themselves, doubt will still supersede that suspicion in people's minds. It is like a game to psychopaths, sociopaths and narcissists: I can get away with this.
They will not only play innocent and avoid any responsibility for their actions, but will deny, deny, deny and then try to place blame on others.
An example of this is the murder case of Meredith Kercher, which basically became the glorification of the narcissistic sociopath, Amanda Knox. American media, along with the PR firm Knox's parents hired to spearhead her image-airbrushing campaign, scrambled to paint Knox as the all American angel faced girl during the trial in an attempt to sway public opinion and generate doubt as to whether someone who plays with puppies could have participated in a gruesome murder.
Despite Knox's questionable character and overall attention seeking "woe is me" behavior, compulsive lying, accusations against an innocent black guy which landed him in jail and silence in letting another black guy take the fall to this day as she advocates for the Innocence Project in front of cameras, evidence collected which implicated her in the gruesome crime and the fact that there had been tension between the two roommates, the general American public were in hysterics that an "incompetent" and "anti-American" Italian justice system would send Angel Face to prison.
Having good looks is an advantage, of course, and supplements the charm that narcissists exercise as they go through life eagerly trying to gain the trust and approval of others. They are persuasive as they go about it: asking the right questions to acquire personal information about you (this includes your insecurities, which they will use to demean and abuse you later on), feigning curiosity and deep interest in everything you say, extending compliments and sweet utterances to reduce any distance there might be between the both of you and win you over — all of which hold literally zero amount of sincerity. Remember that narcissists lack real emotions or empathy; they only know how to replicate them.
Why do they do this? As mentioned in Part I and II, it is protection. It confirms the beliefs of the narcissist that they are special and admired. The more people they win over, the more support they will have when they cause trouble, and none of their minions will believe any accusations made against them. It is the fortress they have constructed around their weak selves — assemble an army of followers that will do as they're told.
These minions are known as flying monkeys. They are the tools narcissists recruit to aid in their smear campaign against you.
Flying monkeys are typically as asinine as their narcissist leader and their designated role is to inflict abuse by proxy. I give a great example of this further down.
So, what we already know is that narcissists lead double lives instead of one real one. They have no concept of authenticity.
They are empty inside and seek conflict and drama to fill the void they feel within. Frequently paranoid, insecure and jealous of others they see as a threat, should you further damage the low self-esteem they hide beneath the veneer of over-confidence and charm and cause any narcissistic injury to their fragile egos the narcissist will retaliate by embarking on a smear campaign against you.
How bad can that smear campaign be? Think The Reichenbach Fall bad, in which the psychopathic/narcissistic Moriarty turns an entire city against Sherlock by manipulating everyone (except Watson and Molly Hooper) and plays the victim.
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| That moment when Sherlock Holmes realizes the narcissist has pulled a fast one on him. |
This smear campaign is designed to make you suffer in any way possible for daring to breach their delusional belief system. They will go into narcissistic rage and then attempt to ruin your life. And it will consume them. Do not underestimate this fact.
"Any threat (real or imagined) to the narcissist's grandiose and fantastic self-perception (false self) as perfect, omnipotent, omniscient, and entitled to special treatment and recognition, regardless of his actual accomplishments (or lack thereof)" has to be eliminated.
They believe that boundaries do not apply to them, hence they will stop at nothing, stoop as low as they can and play dirty in efforts to re-establish control and dominance by discrediting you, your character and turning everyone against you. And they will succeed.
Go back to what I mentioned in the past two posts about people who love the sound of their own voice. Those who are constantly talking and establishing rapport with others hold more influence than quiet people, because "for many people, silence equals absence."
Yet, as the same article states, "silence is a greatly underestimated source of power. In silence, we can hear not only what is being said but also what is not being said. In silence, it can be easier to reach the truth."
But as victims of narcissists will tell you, this is not how most people think. Most people are not fueled by reason, but a profound inability to think for themselves. Narcissists crave power more than anything, so the ability to control others and tell them what to think is at the center of their manipulative identity. And those who are uninterested in common sense or reason are more than happy to have someone form their thoughts for them. See: herd mentality.
Having pinpointed receptive audiences in those who have not established a boundary with the narcissist, gears shift, and overt statements are made.
The narcissist at this point openly makes claims that are completely fabricated, as well as frequent projections detailing events that have actually taken place…except that upon their retelling suddenly you’ve both swapped roles. A reality switcheroo: you are the abuser, and they are the victim.
This is the aim of the game. To portray the narcissist as long-suffering at the hands of your crazed and abusive mind.
The Pathological Liar and Con Artist
The first malignant narcissist from my past did just that. She was (and still is) a puppet master, and holds others in the palm of her hand with finesse. She knew how to use her looks to get what she wanted, spoke softly, smiled warmly and behaved demurely in the company of others. The "innocence" she exhibited was merely an act, of course.
Years later it would emerge from former friends and roommates that had run away from her of her promiscuity, tendency to try and seduce their boyfriends/husbands, emotionally abusive and controlling behavior (which I was already familiar with by then), penchant for slandering others behind their backs and overall wickedness that went unseen by others from whom approval and trust was needed.
The truths that came to light would make anyone raise an eyebrow or two. No one appreciates being misled, or lied to, and narcissists are pathological liars. What everyone had thought was a sweet, docile person committed to a guy back in Malaysia turned out to be sleeping with both a male and female co-worker who she scheduled for a tryst one after the other on certain days.
This person is/was not bisexual. She is a narcissist. There is a distinction. Narcissism is all about dominance, and an extremely warped view of one's own importance. Narcissists need to believe that everyone admires, needs, desires, is jealous of and fears them and should please them, as it's the only way for them to avoid looking deeply within themselves and recognizing that they are crippled by low self-esteem.
That self-esteem is so low it explains why narcissists need to exaggerate their own life story, or invent one. Anything that makes them sound more interesting, attractive, successful, etc. The narcissist from my past, for instance did not like it when others overshadowed her in any way, and she was particularly envious of the fact that her sibling was living in Boston, while she had only lived and attended college in Providence, Rhode Island. What she did was start to write on all her social media accounts that she lived in Boston.
Still unsatisfied, though, the narcissist informed her father that she had applied to attend a summer session course at Boston University for a few months (this was when she had already moved back to Malaysia and settled down there) and did so, just so she could tell people she lived in Boston.
Gutless and Fragile
When I talk about protection I mean that narcissists are incredibly weak, and this is evident in their constant need for attention, praise, acceptance, and partnership. When it comes down to it, the narcissist is wholly dependent on other people, so they invalidate their own deluded sense of importance from the beginning.
In essence, they cannot be alone lest they drown in their own mediocrity.
The partners or victims they set their sights on are thus their opposites — people who will tolerate them, their abuse, their cheating and whom they can manipulate and control for their own benefit. When the narcissist starts conflict with others, he/she will run to the "authority figure" (eg: the person with actual or some semblance of power) in their life that they exploit to defend them in any situation. That authority figure could be a boyfriend, a father, a boss, a professor, etc.
On the many instances that I confronted or defied the narcissist I always found it odd how a grown person would either a) resort to gaslighting or b) remain quiet, but a response would instead come from her designated male minder. He would swoop in and begin to berate me, often publicly, as though I had been picking on a retarded child, which, you could argue, is essentially what narcissists reveal themselves to be.
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Annie Wilkes mad that her favorite author wrote a book that didn't please her. (Misery, 1990)
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The narcissist is a petulant kid. If they don't get what they want they sulk, cry dramatically, throw a screaming tantrum, utilize silent treatment for long periods of time expecting you to grovel and beg for their attention, engage in passive aggressive or accusatory behavior, demeans and humiliates you in front of others and invents sob stories to share with others that portray you as the villain.
With the narcissist from my past, particularly, playing the helpless victim was her go-to strategy in gaining other people's sympathy. Right after she got married (to the guy who had been waiting for her in Malaysia), she began putting on an act when in the company of strangers when he was not present. The act consisted of feigning sadness, pitifully looking down or off in the distance as though suppressing her tears and making everyone feel incredibly awkward with her well-timed silence. When someone finally felt pressured to ask what was wrong, she quietly revealed that her husband had been mistreating her in private: not giving her any money, verbally abusing her, etc.
What they are doing is smearing you right from the beginning. It is protection for later on when they start abusing you in private. Should you attempt to fight back, press charges or ask for help from others, you will lose. The narcissist is either the hero of their own fantasy, or the perpetual victim.
Alternatively, the narcissist will speak to others about you without you knowing and with a pretense of concern. "I'm really worried about ___. I think he/she needs help. I think there's something wrong with him/her. I feel so bad for him/her." And so on. This is how they deflect any suspicion from themselves, the true abusers.
Punishment and Emotional Abuse
So, let's look deeper at the narcissist's tried and true methods of abuse and punishment.
"Narcissistic abuse is primarily psychological and emotional (though victims can suffer physical abuse as well) and since these abusers employ very covert and insidious methods to abuse others, they are able to escape accountability for the abuse because of the false persona they present to the outside world which is usually a charming mask that hides their cruelty." (The Secret Language of Narcissists)
As already mentioned, the narcissist operates covertly so as not to draw suspicion to themselves. The article above also mentions:
"Learning their emotional language means acknowledging that their cruelty is not only explicit but implicit, deeply ingrained in nuances in their facial expressions, gestures, tones, and most importantly, the contradictory mismatch between their words and actions. Their cruelty is deliberate and designed to control and ultimately destroy their victims."
What they do is employ abusive tactics that are at times accompanied by a subtle smile or an irrepressible grin not just to confuse or make you feel as though you would be stupid to take offense to it, but also because inflicting such abuse or pulling off a deceitful performance and getting away with it excites them.
Psychologist Paul Ekman refers to this as duping delight — "the near irresistible thrill some people feel in taking a risk and getting away with it. Sometimes it includes contempt for the target who is being so ruthlessly and successfully exploited." (Getting Away With Lies)
Think Ted Bundy, or any other killer returning to the scene of the crime as an observer. Or Amanda Knox leaping at any opportunity to use Meredith Kercher's brutal death as a cash cow to keep herself relevant while simultaneously continuing to taunt, harrass and dominate the Kercher family from a safe distance with jokes like these, participating in a propaganda film marketed as a documentary directed by her supporters, gleefully returning to Italy, consistently speaking about herself as the victim and generally having zero empathy or consideration for others. While the Kercher's maintain a dignified silence through it all as their daughter's death is exploited and eclipsed by a narcissist and (possible) psychopath.
Innocent people simply do not behave that way. They don't gloat about their innocence on every platform. Innocent people want to put it all behind them, and show regard for the suffering of all the people implicated.
I read an article years ago about Rajneeshpuram, the cult that became a community and then a city in Central Oregon, populated by about 7,000 followers of Rajneesh, their spiritual leader. That article led me to the Reverend Jim Jones and the Jonestown massacre.
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| Followers line the road to get a glimpse of their leader, Rajneesh in his Rolls Royce on one of his daily drive-bys. (1982). |
If you think the scene in the above photo is strange, think about rabid fans of celebrities, royalty, politicians, and others. Making human beings into idols as a whole concept is what's really strange.
One of the more fascinating things about cults is the general misconception outsiders have about the people who join them. Tim Reiterman, journalist and author of Raven: The Untold Story of the Rev. Jim Jones and His Followers stated that he recoiled in response "when outsiders took the attitude that they or their children would never be crazy or vulnerable enough to join such an organization. Such complacency is self-delusion.”
The people who join(ed) cults are intelligent for the most part, and they are not crazy. Foolish, perhaps and possibly bored, but not crazy. They are doctors and lawyers, and highly educated people seeking an "alternative to the established social order," as Reitman states.
Ignorance breeds arrogance, and people really do not know their own strengths and weaknesses until tested. Or until they are standing before a charismatic cult leader. And charisma and psychopathy are a lethal combination. What do cult leaders have in common? "They were or are all pathologically narcissistic. They all have or had an over-abundant belief that they were special, that they and they alone had the answers to problems, and that they had to be revered," says former FBI agent, Joe Navarro.
Back to these abusers delighting in their torment of others: I give a great example of duping delight further down with my more recent experience with a degenerate named Neve, the most diabolical narcissist with psychopathic tendencies I've encountered thus far, and who I had encountered at Thinking Cup, a cafe here in Boston.
Subtle tactics the narcissist(s) from my past utilized to continuously try and dominate or make me feel inferior to her/him include:
Scheduling her wedding day to be on my birthday. This deliberate move was lost on everyone else but me. A few weeks before the event the narcissist had casually made me aware of the date she'd chosen for her big day. She had looked at me doe-eyed and said sadly, "It was the only day that worked for everyone." And then softly added, "I'm sorry."
To be fair, she was likely retaliating because I laughed at a textual error on her engagement party invitations weeks prior. Narcissists are that petty, it would almost be sad if it wasn't so hilarious (I haven't celebrated my birthday since I was probably 18, and I was 24 when she got married).
But they are playing a game with you. Snatch away what might mean something to you, and if you complain, get upset, or criticize them for it they will immediately make you out to be the one that is selfish, self-involved and inconsiderate.
Commanding you to "shut up" icily when you laugh or verbally express happiness about something. Permission must be granted by them. Narcissists live in eternal darkness and know that they are incapable of any real emotions, so they cannot stand it when other people are not/have those things.
Switching to another radio station when you are enjoying a song. Again, petty and incapable of seeing others happy or at ease. If you criticize them for being a wet blanket and ruining the fun for others they will get upset, look as though they are about to cry (playing the victim again) and then erupt with some excuse like, "I have a bad headache." It's your fault for wanting to listen to a song. You must feel bad and apologize for expecting them to listen to a song they never had a problem with before and endure a sudden headache.
Alternatively, they will reach over and change radio stations/songs while someone in the car is singing along, etc as they pretend to notice something outside the window and make a casual upbeat remark about it so as to make it seem as though they are innocently/unintentionally depriving you of a moment of joy. You cannot have fun unless they allow you that privilege.
To be clear, this could also be the behavior of cunty people in general, so be sure to keep track of consistent traits already mentioned to tell apart a narcissist from an average cunt.
Walking out of the room rigidly if I'm having a pleasant conversation with her boyfriend (at the time) or close friend and then slanders me to others outside, crying that I want what she has and getting everyone to vilify you. Narcissists know that they are inferior, hence the overcompensation of trying to seem superior. They are thus consistently insecure, paranoid, jealous and empty-headed.
Trying to make your life difficult in any way then can. Here it gets a little tricky, because narcissists are well versed in gaining the sympathy of others. While it may seem that they really need your help with something, you yourself must be well versed in spotting the discrepencies and exercise some skepticism to understand that narcissists generally operate on ulterior motives. Really this is just their way of acting on their jealousy or anger at something you had done to displease them, and enforcing punishment. Subtly, of course.
The male narcissist in my life, for instance, is one of the least suspicious people anyone could ever meet. In fact, it took me many years to finally catch on that he has a dangerous mental illness. He has managed to get ahead in life simply by putting on a false persona that has literally fooled everyone, including an entire community in which he made himself into a local "celebrity." But looking back on many different situations, conversations and odd behaviors and finally paying attention brought me the final piece that had long been missing from the puzzle.
At a time when a few people were aware that I was going through a difficult phase I would hear from this narcissist, instructing me to do different things all at once for him, like a boss would to a low level staff member (this narcissist is younger than I am and in Asian cultures this matters). After a small argument in which he began to calmly lecture me by using my flaws and failings in the past to provoke me, and I didn't bite, he went into narcissistic rage. A few days later he contacted me to ask, in a woeful tone if I could help pay his credit card debt and gave an excuse as to why he couldn't, despite making more money than I do.
I stupidly paid his hundreds of dollars in credit card debt, which left me in a worse situation than before. This type of punishment and covert retaliation is typical of narcissists, and it's almost like a blink and you miss it event. They know they can get something from those with a heart, and simultaneously feel that they have "dominated" you once more when you fall for their "helpless" act. Stay on your toes and remember that nothing they do or say is sincere.
This same narcissist knows my dislike at having my photo taken during a meal and especially in a restaurant. He would passive aggressively do it anyway. I would ask him why he was so disrespectful. And he'd respond by getting up from the table at which our food had just arrived and walk out of the crowded restaurant, leaving me sitting there dumbfounded and with servers and patrons staring at me as though I had done something wrong.
Narcissists make others look bad, as already touched on in Part II so you will very often find yourself (or others on the receiving end of their abusive behavior) struggling to maintain your/their dignity in public. And it is very difficult because the narcissist controls the situation.
You will also notice that after they do whatever it is that you ask them not to do they will simply gaze at you. They are awaiting your reaction, wanting to see you get upset as that is the power they believe they have over you. Any emotional response will satisfy them, and they will make this apparent to you with a smug smile as they continue gazing at you, their victim that they are brazenly bullying, taunting, provoking and abusing in public, yet drawing no suspicion, knowing they can get away with it. Should you flip out, you are the crazy one. See: The Secret Language of Narcissists above.
Using a third party to inflict emotional abuse. I was visiting the narcissist from my past in Providence once in the Fall of 2006. She lived on the outskirts of the city and got around in a brand new car she had her father buy for her. For most of the visit she would leave me in her apartment for the entire day as she drove off with a boyfriend or friends, cutting off any access to food, transportation or human interaction for me as I sat in her room. When she got home and found me silently curled up in bed, this person casually got on her cell phone while sitting behind me, called a female friend of hers in Malaysia and started having a jovial conversation which went like this:
"When are you gonna come visit me? I wish you were here, I want to take you to so many places! We're going to have so much fun! I want you to meet everyone here! I can't wait!"
Invalidating the existence and value of their victims is another weapon of choice for narcissists, and they want you to see them getting off on abusing you.
Bonnie
While a student at Northeastern University years ago I had a perky English professor of Asian descent (Bonnie) who, after a class visit to the theater to see A Raisin In the Sun, at which her husband was also present and I had been discussing the play with him, began showing the same negation tactic towards me (the only other Asian in a class of Caucasian students). The more I participated in discussions the more she started withdrawing her easygoing warmth from me.
With a few weeks of the semester left, her hostility went full throttle. As she stood at the front of the room in those last few weeks she made a point of resting her eyes on each student (we sat in a horseshoe shape) but would skip over me, as though my seat was empty and I was not there.
Remember that narcissists make sure that their victim is the only witness to the abuse, that no one else can feel, see, or understand the abuse they expertly unleash on their victims. Leave no evidence. Draw no suspicion.
Remember that narcissists make sure that their victim is the only witness to the abuse, that no one else can feel, see, or understand the abuse they expertly unleash on their victims. Leave no evidence. Draw no suspicion.
On the last day of class, after the other students had filed out of the room, Bonnie suddenly sat me down and resting her hand lightly on my knee, adopted a soft tone, as though I was a child she felt sorry for, and said: "I think you were trying to impress me by sharing your experiences in discussions."
I can't really describe my reaction to it, but it was a mixture of confusion, amusement and a chill running down my spine.
Stunned, I responded that I was participating in discussions and sharing my experiences as specifically encouraged on the syllabus. This response noticably irked her. Months later I came across reviews about her written by former students who described how "self-absorbed" and "strange" she was.
Having suffered a blow to their already low self-esteem, the narcissist tries to regain their sense of superiority by making you, the person they see as a threat come off as the one that needs their approval.
Same negation tactic (you see the pattern here) with the male narcissist who inflicts emotional abuse from a safe distance, and openly — through social media. He will, when angry at me for not worshipping at his feet, make a meaningful post featuring several photos taken by different people in his life, with one of those photos taken by yours truly. He will make a point of crediting the other person whose photo he used, and also make a point of not crediting me, knowing that his post will show up on my feed.
The diss is very, very subtle but it is all extremely calculative. Like other abusive tactics narcissists employ, it is designed to seem laughable if offense is taken for something so petty, and if you do say something to them about it (which is what they want — a reaction) you immediately lose at their little psychological game. Because in their minds you are "needing their validation" now if you get upset that they've denied you something, while they extend it freely to their loyal subjects.
That is your "punishment." You are denied a "reward." And reacting to it gives them pleasure, followed by feigned surprise or amusement along the lines of: "Wow, you're really sensitive, aren't you?" or "You really need me to acknowledge you, huh?"
A Narcissist at Thinking Cup
In the same "negation" style of methodical abuse, Neve, a small Russian girl that started working at Thinking Cup cafe in the summer of 2017 used my "name" as an intended mode of insult, injury and self-satisfaction. By "name" I mean I go by "Anna" at cafes that ask for names because it's quicker than saying or having to spell out my actual name, and Neve decided to engage in some low level stealth abuse as she took my order each day by latching onto the one thing she knew about me, which happened to be something false to begin with.
Now, after you've experienced the depravity of one narcissist, you basically learn to spot all the others that come after them — by paying attention. I don't just mean studying them overtly, but noticing everything about them in your peripheral.
Your peripheral vision reveals things you would not imagine.
People too often take this ability for granted. The information that you are able to obtain by using your peripheral vision — indirect vision as it occurs outside the point of fixation, reveals what you would otherwise fail to see when looking directly at what's going on around you. When you are looking directly at something or someone, that is when vital information quickly becomes lost or concealed, for the most part. Eg: people stare when you're not looking, and pretend to be pre-occupied with something once you look over.
Listening. This is a no brainer, as already touched on. Listening is greatly underestimated and underused nowadays, yet is one of the most powerful sources of information. A person's tone, what is being talked about, how it is being talked about, why it is being talked about, when it is being talked about. All of this reveals something about the person.
Every nuance in their expressions, the vacancy behind their eyes as they look into yours as though trying to discern whether you are empty inside like they are, their movements, who they get close to in a specific environment.
With Neve, she started sweet-talking Daud, a sleazy Turkmenistani "supervisor" at Thinking Cup in a short span of time when they found themselves working the same morning shifts.
Narcissists are easily read if you know what to look for. They are con artists but it is their try-hard performance in desperately trying to win over everyone's trust and approval that is the dead giveaway, ironically. Narcissists are wholly dependent on other people — do not disregard this vital fact.
So Neve, or Needy Gonzalez as I had nicknamed her in my head over the months, as she was always jabbering about something while on shift and making sure her presence was known to everyone by gossiping, talking about herself, whining about personal issues like problems with her apartment and the fact that she has no money (gaining sympathy of others tactic) and so forth, would feign forgetfulness each time she took my order for eight months, and either with a thoughtful furrow of her brows or a flutter of her lashes would say sweetly, "I'm so sorry, what's your name again?"
After I told her with a straight face, she responded with duper's delight, pretending as though it finally came back to her with an eager "oh!" like an actress performing as a bad actress, and allowing me to see her smile happily as she typed in my name → self-satisfaction in believing she had successfully dominated her target in getting me to tell her my "name" in an attempt to degrade the person she sees as a threat.
Remember that narcissists feed off of other people's emotions, so bullying, taunting, demeaning and provoking their targets constitutes feeding time for them, and they indulge voraciously and greedily.
Literally, on certain days when she was feeling particularly bold with her wickedness, she would lick her lips with strange exaggerated relish, staring directly into my eyes with a crazed look as I gave her my order.
As I walked away to wait for my drink, she'd suddenly call out after me in a sing song voice to have a wonderful day. After I'd sat down at my usual seat right opposite the pastry case Neve would then walk over in a slow, comical strut, like an amateur gangster standing under five feet tall attempting to look menacing and important around big people, and looked me over from head to toe. At times suppressing her laughter, at other times wearing a look of scorn.
I must admit, some days I couldn't give a shit about what I put on before leaving my apartment.
What she then did was hover over me, and start to loudly and cheerfully greet other regulars sitting within the vicinity by name. It was difficult not to feel embarrassed for Neve, because for all those months of desperately trying to make a customer feel as small as she is, she was unaware that I already knew at the start of her game the reason behind her abusive behavior in the workplace.
Neve had a lot of trouble keeping her by then live-in boyfriend's attention on her. This guy isn't just as repulsive and unproffesional as Neve (like attracts like, as they say) but unbelievably obtuse as well.
When not aggressively flirting with a customer (handing me my drink instead of setting it on the counter so he could brush his fingers against mine, sitting sideways at the table next to mine on his break and staring brazenly, literally walking away from his girlfriend as she's in the middle of talking to him when I walked into the cafe, attempting to sweet talk me while taking my order with Neve standing at the register right next to him and looking up at the both of us, visibly upset that her own boyfriend has zero respect for her, and so on), Daud was busy thinking he was the shit, being one of the supervisors.
This is a guy who would routinely show up in the workplace in sweatpants (perhaps before he was promoted to supervisor) and barked impatiently at customers who were reading the menu and deciding what to order. Just the average low quality, entitled jackass who's given a modicum of authority and lets it get to his head.
The bizarre psychopathic behavior only increased as the months went on, even as I ignored both her provocations and Daud's advances but simply walked away. Snickering and shaking her head as she studied my face as I gave her my order, groaning dramatically when I was next in line and swinging the bag of almond croissants I'd ordered at my face as she curtly snapped her head away from me, nose in the air, eyes shut like a queen showing contempt towards and refusing to acknowledge a hideous plebian that had appeared before her. Licking her lips in quick succession and swallowing as though anticipating to gorge on a steak dinner, eyes flashing as she studied my face for a reaction, a smirk playing on her lips, daring me to react.
I remained quiet each time and she'd giggle gleefully, cock her head to the side and say warmly: "Have a wonderful day."
Really, I didn't even know how to react even if I wanted to. Except to stand across from her and gaze in both repulsion and amusement at the most histrionic lowlife I had ever encountered.
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| My face whenever I had to interact with the histrionic/narcissistic Neve at Thinking Cup. (Misery, 1990) |
Is a non-reaction effective? This experience has taught me that apparently it is not. When you are targeted by a narcissist the only outcome is: she will get what she wants and you must give her what she wants.
Ignoring the narcissist's provocations is thus not enough. She wants you gone from what she considers her territory, despite having only been working there for less than a year, and because she has no idea how to keep a guy with wandering eyes focused on her. You really can't make this up.
If I was standing at the condiment bar in the back of the store I'd turn to find Neve suddenly standing right beside me, rearranging what didn't need rearranging, and sighing in subtle exasperation, as though communicating her frustration in still being unable to repel me from her cafe.
What a gangster. I was so intimidated and insulted by OG I kept coming back for months.
What a gangster. I was so intimidated and insulted by OG I kept coming back for months.
Again, listen.
Narcissists use specific language to communicate with their targets.
Sitting at my usual table reading or writing, I'd look up for a moment and see her standing behind the pastry case, staring at me through the glass. If I was texting on my phone, she'd walk past me and not even hide the fact that she was trying to look at my screen, as though trying to see who I was texting. Possibly paranoid that it was Daud when he wasn't working the same shift.
Sometime in the summer I went home after getting a drink and while stirring it with my straw noticed a chunk of green phlegm floating amongst the ice cubes. Confused and in shock, I didn't report it as I had no proof and didn't want to accuse anyone since Neve isn't a barista.
Know that narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths are devoid of a conscience. Nothing is beneath them, and societal norms do not apply to them, in their minds. Remember that they know how to get away with things.
You will also notice that narcissists tend to repel people, and when I mean people I generally mean those who know a bad thing when they see or feel it, by paying attention. Co-workers will quit or ask to be transfered, classmates will drop a course, roommates will pack up and run, dates will never be heard from again. Only those who don't pay attention, or similar lowlifes stick around.
Why did I keep going back? Like I stated before in several posts back, old habits die hard. Also, I come from a culture in which running away in fear is understood to be the conduct of cowards. And even after five complaints made privately on numerous occasions to different people, including one of the owners, everyone here was still played by Little Neve.
She responded to complaints I'd made by refusing to take my order when I came in and walking away as I stood there with other customers, fascinated by her embarrassing bravado. This particular incident was witnessed by a supervisor, and the fact that he looked the other way and did not (could not?) reprehend her was already an indication that it is/was little Neve running things at the cafe.
Remember that narcissists exploit the "authority figures" they warm up to, as this is their way of dominating and exerting their control by proxy (eg: telling weak males in positions of authority what to do or think). They will not be told to stop doing something wrong, because they are calling all the shots.
After one of the owners had spoken to her (or her business partner, in her mind) she retaliated by passive aggressively hovering directly behind me the next time I came in (I had begun to sit at the far end of the cafe by the window at times, to get away from the sounds of her malicious gossiping behind the pastry case, and her sleazy boyfriend with a staring problem) and in a nurturing sing-song tone as though calling out to a child, interrupted the older regular sitting in front of me who was engrossed in his newspaper: "Ray, is the music too loud, Ray? Are you sure, Ray? Ok, Ray."
This is also when I began to notice that I was getting strange looks from other employees. No brainer here: the smear campaign had begun. Employees who had seen me in the cafe for several years were now watching me as though looking for a hint of something, evidence that I was crazy perhaps as I walked past.
Go back to the point about narcissists feigning concern about their targets as a protection method.
Go back to the point about narcissists feigning concern about their targets as a protection method.
So, I finally did lose my cool and gave Neve exactly what she had been hoping for later in October: caused a scene in the middle of the cafe one busy afternoon, after I heard t ask Daud what drink I had ordered as he was making it. Shortly before I lost my patience I asked Neve if she wanted to talk about what the problem was (her low self esteem). With a roll of her eyes she slid into the seat across from me at my table, and I politely told her I hadn't invited her to sit down. "No, I'm going to sit," Neve said with the air of a tacky person who thinks they're not.
I asked again if she wanted to explain what the problem was. She replied in that soft, nurturing tone narcissists adopt when they're about to gaslight you, and said: "I feel so sorry for you. Just because I didn't remember your name."
Checklist complete. It was like Bonnie all over again, and Neve had most likely indoctrinated everyone at this place with the idea that I was dependent on her validation, upset that she didn't remember my name. The narcissists way of thinking:
a) (In incredulous/bewildered/amused tone) "Just because I didn't remember her name? Wow."
b) "I feel really bad/sorry for her. She really needed me to acknowledge her. I didn't realize she's so sensitive/insecure/full of herself." Etc.
Remember that narcissists switch roles with their targets. Knowing that they are deeply insecure, needy for approval, lack any real emotion, are cowards and live in psychological darkness, they scramble to take your place and convince others that you are what they are.
Also, by this time Daud had been converted to flying monkey status, and was now joining in on the harrassment and intimidation of a customer his girlfriend needed to punish and eliminate.
Remember the function of flying monkeys: abuse by proxy.
Abuse by proxy is when the narcissist gets other people to abuse you. That way the narcissist gets to abuse you but through these people.
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| Kitty Riley: the flying monkey who does the "helpless victim" Moriarty's bidding for him by smearing Sherlock to the whole of London so she can feel like she matters. (The Reichenbach Fall). |
How do you know you're dealing with the narcissist's flying monkey(s)? It's basically what Kitty Riley is: gullible, eager to please, lacks any common sense or critical thinking skills, is overconfident but dumb and enjoys any opportunity to gloat and get a pat on the head from their leader.
Dealing with Daud, quite possibly the first person I've ever dealt with who suffers from the Dunning-Kruger effect was basically like dealing with Kitty Riley.
Attempting to speak rationally with the narcissist's flying monkey(s) will get you nowhere, as they will simply dismiss everything you say, defend their leader vehemently (though here it really came off as Daud seeing an opportunity to "flex his muscles" as the supervisor in front of an audience) and speak down to you (the customer) with smug superiority (see Kitty's face above). All this despite the fact that they saw no evidence of any of the smears their leader fed them.
While flying monkey(s) like Daud inflict abuse by proxy, the leader Neve stands aside quietly, or behind them where her flying monkeys can't see and bites her lip to keep from laughing, gazes at you happily with a wide grin, or twitches her mouth excitedly in uncontrollable delight, making sure you see all of it. Narcissists/psychopaths get off on abusing others. Conflict, drama, provocation feeds their narcissistic supply, and without those things narcissists/psychopaths find themselves drowning in their own mediocrity.
I confronted Daud about his inappropriate flirting and he finally went silent, looked at me uncomfortably and then quietly whined, "don't bring personal things into this." After he had been speaking to a customer as an employee's boyfriend and not the "supervisor."
Anyway, a few more of Neve's flying monkeys (an equally pathetic kid named Mark was one, who would politely greet/approach me to ask how I was, or what I was up to these days, and then reported to his leader) emerged in the next few weeks as I went by in the evenings, knowing I would eventually stop supporting a business that showed literally no regard in protecting or creating a safe space for customers. I just had some unfinished business to take care of (unrelated).
I was glad I had a reason to go by for the next few weeks because I got to see the extent of the intimidation, harrassment and enabling that continued unimpeded against a customer at Thinking Cup. Someone, perhaps Neve, perhaps one of the owners, would call up the store phone in the evenings when I was there and the employee that had answered the phone would look over at me and then speak quietly to the person on the line.
Instead of anyone reaching out to a customer to talk or get my side of things like a person with common sense would all that happened following my outburst was employees and another owner who had seen me at this cafe for years staring at me with hostility from a distance.
I thought in bewilderment, are these people serious? And, everyone here really has a staring problem.
If you've never witnessed the damage orchestrated by a narcissist before, I have just described it. They follow a specific formula that is customary of all narcissists, so know what to expect.
Solution
So what do you do when you are the victim of a smear campaign spearheaded by a narcissistic psychopath like Neve, and her flying monkeys?
I'm going to take a different approach here. Nearly all Western advice from former victims as well as psychologists would urge victims to run and never look back. Stay silent, don't try to defend yourself but maintain your dignity and walk away. Move to a different area, town, city, country. Find another job. Make your life difficult, just as the narcissist and her flying monkeys expect of you.
Sorry, can't relate to any of that. Not after having dealt with narcissists from an early age and for years. These demons are everywhere, as already mentioned. They are leeches that cling to others, soulless bodies that roam the earth serving no purpose in this world. They know only how to cause destruction, suffering and death.
Is it painful being slandered, emotionally abused, intimidated and harrassed? Yes, always, if you are a human being with emotions. That is why some victims of narcissists kill themselves. Their lives were ruined and everyone had been turned against them, leaving them with literally no support system. But here is another truth: narcissists, their flying monkeys and enablers reveal their true character all on their own, and that is that they are abusers and cowards at heart. It just takes one charismatic twat leading by example to bring it out of them.
Neve, Daud, Mark and others at Thinking Cup are like those people in Salem who urged their daughters to accuse specific girls in the community of witchcraft, girls from families they didn't like, and which led to innocent people being hanged or burned at the stake — all based on hearsay.
Narcissists are cowards, like the gutless Neve who has to recruit others to gang up on one single person and slander the target behind their back. And those who eagerly join in on the tormenting of one person immediately out themselves to be wicked by association, looking for the thrill of conflict and dominance. Think bullies back in school who had to have his or her entourage for support to taunt the one quiet kid who sat alone — because they secretly hate themselves and take it out on others.
When this happens, do not sink to their level. Speak to attorneys (even better if your buddies are lawyers), gather information and evidence the entire time, and then speak up and turn up the volume.
When it is a business that is implicated like Thinking Cup, know your rights and consumer protection as well as harrassment laws. Take down names, dates, times. Let other potential customers know about how you were treated and what went on by writing reviews, as I had done, though some information/details had to be ommitted due to Yelp's character limit.
I disagree with a lot of Western advice to run and remain quiet, because that shows cowardice and lack of empathy. What I mean by lack of empathy is that being victims of a narcissist, we know the extent of their cruelty and the damage they are capable of. Yet what the general advice implies is to let them find another victim to destroy, not your problem anymore. Perhaps Westerners resort to this mentality because of some influence of individualism, and this explains why there is a narcissism epidemic, and dangerous con artists like Neve running rampant in US society.
Those are not solutions, they are the cowards easy way out and as a result creates a society of damaged people.
File complaints if you have to, but know that this is exactly what narcissists want — more attention on them. They crave it, and drama allows them to put on more of a public performance. Manipulating and dominating others is their way of life, their identity, it is who they are and all they know.
Instead, don't reveal what else you have on the narcissist or her minions. Whether it's information, evidence in the form of recordings, character witnesses, and so on, keep these and do not release them, at all or all at once. Narcissists and their flying monkeys love conflict, and a lot of the times they will come back to taunt and harrass and provoke and feed off of your emotions some more. Let them make complete fools of themselves with their slander as you patiently observe.
What do you do in the mean time? You laugh at them.
Narcissists hate being laughed at. They don't like being the butt of the joke. Yet looking back on all that we know about narcissists, we really come to find that they are walking contradictions. They are clowns as well as criminals. They are overconfident but gutless. They are charming but boring. They draw attention, but only by begging for it. They are empty vessels that make the most noise. They have a lot of friends, but are incredibly alone.
Narcissists like Neve try to exact punishment on others whom they know they will never and cannot be. The reality is that she has to wake up every single morning, put on a mask and con, manipulate and slander others for the rest of her life. That is a punishment all in itself, and narcissists don't want others to know that.
How do you respond to the smears spreading behind your back? You play along. Regulars and employees from Thinking Cup give me cold stares or awkward glances when we walk past each other on the street, and I've kept a record of some of the obvious ones (whose names I happen to know, since Neve used them so much) and are likely reporting to her, as flying monkeys do. Neither owners ever reached out to me to try and talk, apologize or resolve the situation, but they never did that while I was still a customer anyway.
Do not apologize for having an emotional response, because that is the natural response of any human being when they are continuously provoked by a bully and others who eagerly join in on the abuse, or allow it to persist.
You are not soulless like the narcissist and her minions. I have seen a good man raise his fist after years of remaining quiet as his wife gleefully taunted him throughout their marriage by speaking ill of his deceased mother to whom he had been very close, and using those same taunts as "bedtime stories" for their young children.
People will see what they want to see, but remember that those who are eager to form judgements are just as toxic as the narcissist/abuser, who are completely ignorant, dismissive and detached from the experiences endured by others. Basically, devoid of empathy, which is why they have a narcissistic leader to think for them.
See again: herd mentality.
So, whatever it was that the narcissist invented about you behind your back, let others who listen to a gossip and an attention seeker think it's true.
Crazy? Of course.
Abusive? Sure.
Insecure? Who isn't?
Sad and lonely? I weep as I lay in bed every night listening to Simon & Garfunkel's Sounds of Silence.
Full of myself? All day every day.
Need Little Neve's validation/approval/boyfriend? Absolutely.
Etc.
Know that there is literally nothing that you need from these people. I realize that this is easy to say, which is why you must first have reached a level of character development and security that is resistent to the scum of the earth that are narcissists and their minions: the people who put in no effort to improve themselves but are dependent upon others to feel important, cause and enable conflict and lack any common decency. They are the people whose opinions matter the least in this world.
The fact that they assume you should give a shit about what they think makes them the joke.
They don't know you personally, but eagerly jump at the opportunity to form an opinion. Again, this speaks volumes of a person's character. It proves to be beneficial in the process of elimination in knowing who to trust.
Narcissists are a disease that infects everyone they come into contact with, so this is a huge favor if untrustworthy, infected people are staying away from you. Less lowlifes in your personal space? Be grateful for that.
Personally, I like to start muttering to myself when I see someone infected by the Neve disease on the street staring at me. Sometimes I'll start singing loudly, or cackle out loud very suddenly.
Last week I was sitting at the Boston Public Market when Little Neve walked by me with Daud in tow. She looked back, craning her neck to look at me eagerly as though wanting to engage with me some more ("I feel so sorry for her," Little Neve probably said worriedly) in typical attention seeker fashion as her boyfriend struggled to pull her away.
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| Roy heading to Manchester. (The Work Outing, 2007) |
This experience has finally made Daud into a better boyfriend, perhaps, as he finally finds a purpose for himself in the role of Flying Monkey Campaign Manager. If we look at it from a different (and Asian) perspective, this is also called saving face.
It's like that IT Crowd episode (possibly the best episode in comedy history) when Roy uses the disabled restroom at the theater and gets caught. So for the rest of the night he goes the whole nine yards in pretending to be a wheelchair bound disabled person so as not to be judged, and ends up on the disabled bus, miserable, forced to join a sing-along and heading to Manchester.
Daud's fate, basically.
So, while we laugh at the narcissist, her flying monkeys and their propensity for digging their own graves, while wearing a shit-eating grin on their face as they do it, know that every cloud does have a silver lining.
This most recent, very public experience with a narcissistic psychopath makes for a great anecdote that you share at dinner parties and with other writers.
Funnily enough, as I sat at Thinking Cup all those months developing my next novel idea and trying to figure out the kind of characters I needed, Little Neve fell right into my lap. She is the gift that keeps on giving, and months of doing a character study of this con artist and deeply sick person largely influenced the villain in my book, due out next year.
To end this blog series on narcissists, I leave survivors and future victims with some simple advice:
Stay strong, be bold and never tolerate disrespect from anyone. Not even from yourself.
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